Boy X Writes —- Inaction is not an option

Firstly, I would like to thank Gerry and Tony for their supportive comments,advice and wishes, posted on the blog on the 18th and 19th September. I would also like to thank the others who have, in the past, acknowledged me on the blog.

I have spent some time now pondering over Gerry’s advice. I suppose I have missed out so far from the advantages that being connected with the group would possibly bring. I do give the matter a lot of thought but sometimes I wonder if thinking too much just always leads to the reinforcement of the things that invariably lead to inaction. It seems to be a never ending battle between, on the one hand, being a captive to that control through belief in a religion, regardless of how irrational that belief , and reason i.e. rational thought, on the other hand . The battle within myself between belief through indoctrination and reason, has only ever resulted in one outcome. With me, reason has always lost out which only goes to show the power that indoctrination has had over me. Essentially it’s a battle between thoughts that result in negative emotions and thoughts based on good reasoning.

I do admit that my thinking and resulting feelings have been all over the place but I have come to one conclusion It’s something I have known for a long time but have been reluctant to acknowledge or accept it. Organised religion is all about power and control. But knowing and recognising that,doesn’t free me from remaining a captive of that control. Of course, that indoctrination began at the moment of birth. I know that some of the others who were abused have been able to cast off that control,to some extent anyway. But we are all individuals and all victims of our own particular circumstances. I can only speak for myself in this.

I was born on the west coast of Ireland and baptised the day after I was born. That was the beggining of my captivity. The church was the master of all it surveyed. It controlled everything and controlled your very thoughts. You could be sent to hell for thought crime and anything done that displeased the church would lead to being ostracised by the community you lived in. Abused women were tied for ever to their abusive husband, and visa vera. Children born outside of marriage became the ‘disappeared’. They would be ghosted away to Scotland or England, or end up unwanted and in an orphanage where they they were abused,anywhere where the ‘shame’ and the ‘sin’ could not be seen. The church permiated every part of society and every part of your being. Of course the church had and has to keep the ‘flock’ on board regardless of what ‘sin’ they {the flock} commit. The church with their preachments sends you to hell one minute but then offers you the get out, salvation, through confession. When it comes to themselves, why bother the secular courts and judges with matters that can be dealt with by the greatest judge of all, ‘God’. All they have to do is pop into a box,say they’re sorry, and all is forgiven. Contrition of course is important. Being contrite is essential for forgivness and then when it all happens again,which it does, it ‘s easy, just repeat the process. Just repent and be contrite again and again and again. They are ‘saved’ regardless of any evil they do.

There’s another matter that bothers me a lot. It’s a moral question. Inaction shouldn’t be an option. Inaction is immoral in that it allows the evil to continue without a challenge. To turn inaction into action, I need to overcome the hurdle constructed not only by being sexually and emotionally abused, but also by a religion which enslaves the mind to the extent that even when the doors to the prison of the mind are thrown open through reason, it still seems nearly imposible, for me anyway, to walk through those open doors. Until I can free myself of that, unless I can find a way of casting off that indoctrination I will remain in that limbo, a nowhere land where rational thought seems powerless in the face of a lifetime of indoctrination. I don’t want to remain in that place where I am tied by the past and unable, because of that, to do anything. How do I unravel myself from that guilt and shame and fear that I described in an earlier post to the blog as being woven into me and became part of the fabric of who I am. I know I will never be able to free myself totally from the effects of those different forms of abuse, indoctrination into theism and sexual and emotonal abuse. That would be hoping for the impossible. But for me personally, the hope I now have is in being able,even though slowly, to distance myself more and more from theistic belief, which, I hope, would have an impact on the guilt and shame which are the creation of that theistic belief. I suppose I could summarise the whole damb thing by saying the church destroyed my life, as it has countless others, but I suppose I should count myself lucky that I can say that these days without running the risk of being tortured on the rack as a heretic. I suppose we all have, to a great extent, to find our own way through the hell that was forced on us by being abused and by being the captives of a system, a religion, that has always been about control. control of the mind by means of instilling fear, shame and guilt.

When it comes to Mirfield, I must admit that my thoughts and feelings are full of confusion and contradictions. There are things I hate about Mirfield and there are things I love. I can understand why others who were fortunate enough to not be victims of the abuse, have fond memories of Roe Head. The more I remember my early days there, before the abuse started, which ruined my life, the more I know I was once in a place where I was happy. I certainly was not aware of any of the points I made earlier about theism and organised religion, so that didn’t bother me. I suppose that was a case of ‘ignorance is bliss’. I can see the possible benefits that revisiting Mirfield might bring, perhaps the possibility of exorcising some demons. I suppose it would all depend on the intent of the visit. But there is another side to it,something that frightens me even more. I feel that if there is any place in this world that might throw me into still further confusion it would be Mirfield. I ask myself if I really want to revisit a place and time where a big part of me still is. I know this may sound rather off the wall, but I am still drawn to the good things, the good memories. I know that this is a case of emotion defeating reason but perhaps it might have something to do with my memories of the good things being so much in contrast with the bad things, the good things representing the former me,the person I was, the person they killed. That person I was, would have grown into a better person with a different life than the disaster that my life became.

The more I remember my former self the more I long to return to 1963 when I first set foot in Roe Head. It was a wonderful time of my life and I miss it so much. Something I have said before, something that still remains with me, it’s strange how long suppressed memories from over half a century ago escape when allowed to and become just as vivid as things right now . Perhaps it’s better to try and keep them securely locked away even though that doesn’t really help deal with the problem. The faces of friends are as clear as they were then and with that comes that realisation it’s where I have have been all along. I do understand the problem. It’s like never growing up ,never growing old, never moving on, never maturing, just transforming into the unacceptable.It’s being back in a world never really left. It has always linguered there somewhere in my mind but now can become as real as today’s reality. It all comes to life . Forever looking for something lost, something stolen,something precious and irreplaceable.

I did go through a phase just recently when I welcomed remembering more of the good things because it did seem to bring some comfort, But now, it only brings feelings of despair. Despair in knowing that it’s all gone. I don’t know what else to say. Perhaps I’m mourning my dead self, as someone suggested. So that is my dilema. I’m not sure I could face going to Roe Head only to find an empty, bare landscape. It’s the same with reunions. I don’t know that I could face meeting again those I remember from Mirfield and by doing so have to then face the stark reality that Roe Head and my friends are gone forever. It’s just all confusion but I suppose I should be thankful that I am aware of the problem regardless of how painful that is.

But I must move forward. I have to start doing and not just remain in a world of thoughts and emotions. Perhaps the first thing I should do, regardless of the difficulties, is just turn up to the next reunion and see where that takes me.

Besides the prospect of that helping me, I feel I could and would contribute to the fight against that organisation, the church, which has destroyed our lives. It isn’t just about individuals doing evil things, it’s about fighting a system that is evil by it’s very nature.

Boy X

Advertisements

2 responses to “Boy X Writes —- Inaction is not an option

  1. Boy X, you said that perhaps you are mourning the ‘you’ that is dead. I tell you he is not. He is still there inside you. He hasn’t gone away. He is just too terrified to come out becasue of what happened to him.

    As I said before, when something bad happens, certain parts of your personality are closed down and they stay as a 11 or 12 year old, while the rest of you grows up.

    What you have to to do is work out what will release the ‘old you’ from his captivity and to bring him to maturity like the rest of your personality.

    I think that is it time that you did take action to re-find him inside yourself and let him out..

    So, how will you do that?

    Do as others in our group have done.

    For others, taking a trip to Mirfield and to the place(s) they were abused was very helpful. It helped to bring closure to them. It helped let the little boy, who stayed in Pinkie’s room and didn’t grow up, to finally get out of there and grow up.

    For others, taking the battle to the VFs was therapeutic. Winning victories against them such as receiving the payout money and publcising our story in the press in such titles as The Telegraph, Observer, Liverpool Echo, Greenock Telegraph and La Repubblica, Italy’s biggest newspaper and read by the Pope, made them fell that they were now in control – and not the Verona Fathers.

    This was important to them.

    For others just being in he group and talking to people who went through similar experiences was therapeuitic.

    Boy X, I think you know what you have to do. Don’t stand on the outside looking in any longer.

    For evil men to succeed all it takes is for good men to do nothing!

    Time is getting shorter for all of us.

    If now is not the time to do something, when will be the right time?

    The sooner you start the better.

    Boy X, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault.

  2. Hi. I read your concerns with great interest as your story mirrors that of so many of us – and your reflections on the hold of religion on innocents from birth through to the grave is universal. I also noted your hesitation. You know what you should do, but you refrain from doing it -because the power exerted by religion -every religion – is both colossal and insidiously polluting to the innocent mind. Priests were all god-like. They could do no wrong… and even when they have committed heinous crimes against you – you remain ambivalent about the logical solution. I was the same as you. If it had been left to me – I would have continued to suffer in my mental turmoil – find excuses for the priest who made me captive and abused me at will – and juggled, forgetting absurdly that I was child at the time, with guilt as to whether I was complicit, or enjoyed the abuse or egged him on. The fact is that I was so bloody naive and trusted my abuser so implicitly that I would not have noticed if I had journeyed to Hell and back during his self-gratifying and sordid abuse. He was a priest. He was God’s right hand man on this earth – and I wanted to be like him. So what turned me into a Victim with a cause? Just one thing. It was not what “he” did to me so much as what the Comboni Missionary Order did to him. Nothing! That is: nothing negative! The continual abuse of minors by this priest was not the subject of any inquiry. He was not reported to the Constabulary for a crime in accordance with UK law. He thus was never charged in a criminal court for his crimes. He was not reported to the Vatican. He was thus not defrocked. He was temporarily considered for a mission appointment where he could continue to abuse children at will- but ill-health prevented that. Eventually he was “incardinated” to a parish in his home province of Como so that he could be near his family -and he was given a nice pension to enjoy his semi-retirement for the rest of his days. When I tried to make contact with him through the Order in later life, they told me, in effect, that he was dead – but he was not dead and the Order knew that very well. Of all these failures of the Comboni Missionary Order that prompted me into action -was the fact that the Order habitually disposed of criminal child abusers to the missions -or in the case of the priest who abused me -to a parish -where there was the opportunity for a criminal paedophile cleric to continue his self-gratifying debauchery. That is not God’s work. It is the work of all-powerful, perfidious, pernicious, unaccountable religion. They were more concerned with their own image than the crimes committed against children. Put differently – being a money-making enterprise -they were concerned with a reduction to the flow of donations. In a strange twist of logic, they refer to Victims as “money-grabbing liars” – apparently absurdly oblivious to the fact that they are precisely that. I think your only realistic option in conscience – would be to show them your Ace cards – and call their bluff. Its time for action my dear friend Boy X -whose true name I know not -but whose suffering I have felt for so long. It will help you to stand proud again – to be unashamed – to be whole and to be purged of the stink of the defilement of your innocence – as opposed to your inaction -which helps them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s